Friday, October 9, 2009


A few weeks ago my siblings and I decided it was time to go through the boxes of my mom's clothes. I have kept the boxes so safe. I wanted to make sure nothing happened to them and the smells were kept and anything else I could hold onto. I didn't want anything to go away. This task is something I knew I would have to do but dreaded the day we would actually sit down and do it. I prepared myself all day. I know this sounds strange but I had to take some time to sit down and grieve by myself, let go of those boxes, let go of the responsibility and control, and be okay with it.

Tara, Jenny, Casey and I sat down surrounded by these simple boxes holding simply clothing....but as we went slowly through every article of clothing there came tears, hysterical laughs, more tears, special memories, simple memories, more laughs and yet more tears. It was another release, another small step forward, another grasp of acceptance, and another reality of heartache.

We were all filled with love and understanding for each other. Respecting each others pain and memories. We get it, we get what the other is missing, loving, and losing. Shirts that reminded us of special events and ordinary events. The dress my mom wore at my wedding. The jacket she wore when she held my son for the first time. The shirt she would wear when she held my son for the last time. Those clothes she wore that reminded us of her sickness. The many many dance and work out clothes that defined so much of who my mom is and on and on until there were no tears or laughter left.

It was nice to spend that time together as siblings. To remember, to grieve, to cry, and to laugh. Mom would have been proud of us for doing an unthinkable task. So much of the time we spend trying to forget the pain, trying to pretend its not real, covering the heartache with something...anything. Sometimes it is necessary to face it straight on and maybe try to accept another piece of it.

Starting tomorrow, each of us will begin making our own blankets out of the clothes that carry so much meaning. (thank you Barb so much for your help with that) I think it will be another small step forward. Perhaps eventually these small steps will take us to higher ground and happier times.