Trying to Move On

Moving on. Two words that are the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It is a hard time of year right now for me and my family. A year ago my mom was here with me. She was at my house. We went to lunch together and talked for hours in my car. What a wonderful moment that was. How I cherish every second of it. I have a text message from her on my phone from exactly a year ago February 1st. I read it often and can't believe she is not here with me. How can I move on? If I move on will I forget her? It is so painful to think of her and her not being here. How could she leave me? How could she leave my dad? How could Heavenly Father take her? I don't understand. So many questions and answers I long to know. I wish I could just be with her even for a moment. Wherever that perfect place is. I wonder what she is doing? Is she truly happy? How could she be happy without her family? I wonder if she remembers how much she loved me? I wonder what it would have been like to have her here to watch Carter grow. He was only 4 months old when she left. Would she laugh at the things he is doing? What would it be like to watch her love him. When she was here she gave everything of herself. And I am so grateful for everything she did and sacrificed for me. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't have been so perfect and maybe she would still be here. My amazing dad is getting married in a week. I know if he had a choice he would give anything to have his life back with his wife that he loved so dearly! I will forever look up to the relationship my parents shared. As they progressed through life their marriage became perfected and I was able to witness a love between my parents I never could have imagined. What a blessing. I am proud of my dad for picking up the pieces of his devastated life and trying to put them back together the best way he knows how. He has turned to the Lord for help and I couldn't be more proud of him. I know and hope the hole in my heart will heal. That my family will be able to move on and understand the answers to our questions.

More Christmas!!

To many toys!
Lost in the mess! Where's Waldo? Where's Carter?
This was Carter's favorite present...I mean this was Jason's favorite present!
Ben was the creepiest Santa I've ever seen!

Carter's first real christmas

This was Christmas Eve! Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen!
Carter got a stocking full of hot wheels! He loved them!
Ridin the presents!

Happy New Year

We actually stayed up till midnight!

Carter stayed up with us!

We had a great party at Tara's house for New Years. Carter stayed up for his first New Year's celebration!

Carter hated Santa!

I dont know if you can see Carter's face in this picture...but he was screaming like I have never seen him scream! He hated Santa! I thought he'd look at him strangely but I didn't think he would be terrified of Santa Clause!

CHRISTMAS

As I am sure all of you can imagine, Christmas and all the holidays were very hard this year. I know they will be for the rest of our lives, having to have them without our mom who was the center of our family. I am so proud of my entire family for getting through them this year. That is the only thing we expected of eachother was to get through it. And we did. I know I have said this before but I have learned so much about my family and they are the most amazing people I know. If you told me we would have to endure a tragedy, like the loss of our mother from this life, I would have told you we would become depressed people who could only manage to stare at the wall. But we are hanging on and enduring and living. I can't even begin to think of the right words to describe how amazing my little brother Casey is. He is serving on a mission right now and while he is out there in the mission field without any of his family or friends and enduring this entire event while being there he is the one that is giving us hope and strenthening our faith. He reminds us to be happy. He is incredible. It is all due to my wonderful parents and especially my mom for all she has taught us. They taught us to be happy! There are so many ups and downs but we are finding the ways to keep living even if at times we no longer want to. We keep eachother afloat. Anyway we made it through Christmas this year and survived. I know my mom is proud of us. I love you mom!

Carter for Halloween

Carter was the cutest little giraffe there ever was! Our neighbor had a haunted house in his garage...right after the picture was taken Carter started to scream! I don't blame him!

The House Update

It has been awhile since I have updated anything. I guess getting through the holidays was all I could muster out of myself. Just thought I would give an update on our whole house disaster situation. It actually has been a blessing. The Trax has treated us very well and taken good care of us so far. They are giving us a good amount for our home (more than we could ever think about selling it for in this market) So that is great, plus additional relocation benefits.

We were a little concerned about being able to sell this house when the time came, due to the train tracks being so close, so it is nice to not have that to worry about, even if we weren't quite ready to move yet. We are closing on our house in a couple days. We have been looking at homes for a long time now and have found some promising ones. I have prospects taped up all over my office. But for the moment we have put house hunting on hold....BECAUSE for the past year we have been building a spec home in Saratoga Springs planning on putting it on the market and making money on it by selling it. Well the market has taken quite a turn since and our odds aren't looking so promising on actually getting the spec home sold. It is a beautiful home. I mean BEAUTIFUL! 1/2 million dollar home but the area is overdeveloped right now and just growing to fast. Anyway what I am getting to is if we don't sell this spec home by April we plan to move into it. Ahhh! Yes scary...the house is wonderful like I said but we are hoping to just sell it and be able to buy a home in the valley. Jason and I are not good travelers, so commuting isn't the best plan for us...not to mention we aren't in the situation to afford that kind of a house....so if that ends up happening I will take donations of FOOD! :) :0 ;) So anyhow that is the update with that. Trax is allowing us to rent our house back until April. So we are stuck here until then. I love this house but I am in moving mode so I am ready to get going wherever we are headed. I have lost the desire to maintain my house and clean it and stuff...which is not like me and not a good thing! Its driving me crazy. I feel very disorganized. I know it will work out how it is supposed to. Everything has happened to perfectly for all of this to be a coincidence, I believe we are meant to be somewhere else! :) Stay tuned to see where the Kidman's end up...and hopefully its not homeless! he he