Thursday, January 31, 2008
Trying to Move On
Moving on. Two words that are the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It is a hard time of year right now for me and my family. A year ago my mom was here with me. She was at my house. We went to lunch together and talked for hours in my car. What a wonderful moment that was. How I cherish every second of it. I have a text message from her on my phone from exactly a year ago February 1st. I read it often and can't believe she is not here with me. How can I move on? If I move on will I forget her? It is so painful to think of her and her not being here. How could she leave me? How could she leave my dad? How could Heavenly Father take her? I don't understand. So many questions and answers I long to know. I wish I could just be with her even for a moment. Wherever that perfect place is. I wonder what she is doing? Is she truly happy? How could she be happy without her family? I wonder if she remembers how much she loved me? I wonder what it would have been like to have her here to watch Carter grow. He was only 4 months old when she left. Would she laugh at the things he is doing? What would it be like to watch her love him. When she was here she gave everything of herself. And I am so grateful for everything she did and sacrificed for me. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't have been so perfect and maybe she would still be here. My amazing dad is getting married in a week. I know if he had a choice he would give anything to have his life back with his wife that he loved so dearly! I will forever look up to the relationship my parents shared. As they progressed through life their marriage became perfected and I was able to witness a love between my parents I never could have imagined. What a blessing. I am proud of my dad for picking up the pieces of his devastated life and trying to put them back together the best way he knows how. He has turned to the Lord for help and I couldn't be more proud of him. I know and hope the hole in my heart will heal. That my family will be able to move on and understand the answers to our questions.
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8 comments:
Wow shan that was very thought provoking. I am crying a little bit. I know you love that he he. It does seem so strange all the questions we will never know the answers to. Your so great shan I'm very very proud of you and so is mom. YOur an example of strangth. You are so put together I admire you so much. love you
strength I spelled that wrong it bugs me ahhh
Oh Shan we will only be better for having figured this all out. That is my hope. Those questions, if only they could be answered. Love you and I am so proud of you, your a little fircracker of strength, wisdom and love.
Shan- I know I don't understand what it is like to lose a parent. Every time I think of you and what it must be like not to have your mother on earth anymore, I just admire you so much for being so strong. I don't know what I would do. I do believe she remembers you and your family and I believe she is so happy knowing that one day you will all be reunited. I don't think time exists in the spirit world like it does on earth. She is anxiously awaiting your arrival with all of your ancestors. All of her earthly struggles have been removed and I know she is doing Heavenly Father's work teaching the gospel and preparing those that need work done for them. We have such a limited vision on this earth. You will never forget her because you are forever her daughter and no one will replace her. I think she wants all of you happy and she has an eternal perspective of things that we can't understand right now. You are eternally bound. Trust in the Lord and turn to Him for comfort!
Hey Shanny Babe, I think we're all in the same place right now, I miss her so much it hurts....but we do have to go on even though we may not know how. I love you girls so much and am so proud of all of you, you've grown into strong, beautiful women and your Mom would have been so proud of you. Love you
You know I love you so much!! You and your sisters are such wonderful people and you guys are doing so good dealing with all this. Keep it up!!
What beautiful words you shared, right from your heart. I don't think you have to really move on, you just have to move forward. I know with all my heart that your mom is happy and at peace because she sees you and your family living your lives and she knows that she will always live on through you. She could never forget you. You're her family. You are what she lived for and what she waits to greet and embrace when the time comes. My thoughts and heart are with you.
Shanny, isn't it great that we're all going through this together, and we all have the same feelings.. know that you're doing awesome shan.. things will only get better.. love you so much.. love casey
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