Monday, July 14, 2008

Speaking with Angels

I have to admit this second year has been so much harder than the first. I don't understand why and if I knew it was going to be harder this year I don't know that I could have held on. I have not been able to bring myself to read or look at many things of or from my mom. It is just to hard I guess. It takes me to a painful place that I guess I would rather run away from. Yesterday I decided to check my mom's email. I do this every few months. I guess in some strange mental state I don't want her email to go away. I don't know me probably means I am not accepting what has happened but none the less I got into my wonderful mom's email. As I was going through her email and cleaning things up I went into her Sent Messages folder. There was an email entitled Sending my Love...I knew it was to me...I had seen it there before but had not been strong enough to open this email and read it. For some reason without thinking I clicked on it and opened it. I was talking to my sister Jenny on the phone at the time and she gave me some encouragement and said I could do it, I was strong. So I started reading....I want to share this incredible email with you. These few sentences straight from my mom to me have so much meaning on so many different levels. I know with all of my heart these words were coming from her right at that moment at a time I needed to hear them, straight from Heaven.

" Hi my baby girl,
I am going to go to bed now, but I wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you tonight and have asked Heavenly Father to be with you tonight to comfort you and wrap his arms around you as you sleep a beautiful peaceful sleep. He knows what you are feeling and He will be there for you now because He loves you so much and He knows you need Him. Your baby is waiting to come to you - it is hard to be patient-but while we wait we are that much more prepared and grateful when the time comes. It will be soon, I promise you. You are doing fine and everything is going to be alright. I am proud of you and the strong woman you are.
I am sending you my love tonight- I hope you can feel it.
Mom "

I cannot even look at these words without breaking into tears. I know with every fiber of my being she is talking to me from Heaven with these very words and telling me that everything is going to be alright. And I need to be patient because I will be with her again soon. Since the moment she left I have longed to hear her say those exact words to me. That I am doing fine and everything is going to be alright, and that she is proud of me. It penetrates my soul and I know in my very heart that she is speaking to me. That was the one email in her sent messages...but I never received it. Its incredible how we are helped through ways we could only dream of. I wish I could have more experiences like this. I wish I could see her. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her. But I am grateful for those experiences I am able to have and I will patiently wait for that day when I get to do all those things. Like she said as I wait I will be that much more prepared and grateful when the time comes. She has told me and so I will do it. My nephew Nicky the other day said "let's just go pick grandma Chris up in Heaven" so until that day when I can go pick you up in Heaven mom... I love you more than words can express!

Yes I Am...

PREGNANT! As some of you are aware. I still can't believe it. I mean how can you get pregnant if you don't plan it. Guess I need to go back to Health Class. Well I am pregnant. I was mortified when I took that test and saw that plus sign. I was not ready to be pregnant again. Some people can do it but I just was not ready. I mean Carter just began to sleep through the night like a month ago!!! Hello... don't I get a break here. I cried for a few days but after I wrapped my brain around it I accepted it. I mean that is one thing you can't do anything about. It has been a rather rough pregnancy. I was particularly sick at the beginning which I do not remember the first time around. Perhaps I just blocked it out. And no doubt I am an emotional basket case! And I am not exaggerating at all on that one. On a mental and emotional and grieving level I was not ready to be pregnant and deal with the horomones and challenges of pregnancy plus my existing issues. However, saying all of that I am grateful. I feel like I don't deserve another Angel from heaven but I am grateful. I know how hard it is to get a baby sometimes, so I will be happy, terrified but happy.

I am close to the half way mark. We will find out what we are having in a few weeks. I will be happy with whatever I am given...I mean you have no choice in the matter. With that said, I would like a girl cause if I have a boy it will have to be nameless because I have not a clue what I would name another boy. One was all I could come up with I guess. :) Oh and here is the note I left for Jason the night I took the pregnancy test. I think it is hilarious now, however at the time not so funny!!!

So Maybe We're Not the Cleanest of Eaters...but at least we Eat!


Carter got a new room! We turned it into this magnificent jungle! Thanks to our good friends Lindsay and Dallin, I unfortunately can't take much credit for it. Lindsay is amazing if any of you need ideas. Anyway, here is his new jungle room.

Monkey Boy

Carter is the biggest monkey I have ever known! He climbs on, over, under, around....everything insight. The more challenging the better. Jason and I were painting his room a bit ago and he found it very fun and challenging to climb up the, mind you huge, ladder we were using. Very Dangerous. Well that apparently got boring because then he started climbing the ladder with his eyes closed. Seriously, what have I created! I love him! So fittingly so, we bought him these hanging ropes that hang from his ceiling. He loves them. We've had a few face plants but for the most part just lots of fun!


So a couple weeks ago I had had a hard day and by 900 I was ready to throw in the towel. So I asked my wonderful husband to get Carter ready for bed. This task is not terribly difficult and involves giving Carter a snack, usually yogurt, putting jammies on and putting him in his bed. Three very simple steps to the process if you ask me. I was upstairs trying to be an adult for a minute instead of a mom covered in food, sweat, and ya know all those other wonderful things that come with the "mom". Well I heard Jason and Carter downstairs laughing and by this time he should have had him all ready and almost in bed...and mind you I really wanted Carter to get to bed early!....I went downstairs to see what the raucus was and low and behold there is my son covered from head to toe in yogurt... I am not kidding there was not an inch of him that was not drowning in yogurt. I could not believe it. Any other day, but I really asked Jason to be efficient and get Carter to bed. I hope these pictures do this disaster justice! Sometimes its better to DO IT YOURSELF! :) :) :)