I have to admit this second year has been so much harder than the first. I don't understand why and if I knew it was going to be harder this year I don't know that I could have held on. I have not been able to bring myself to read or look at many things of or from my mom. It is just to hard I guess. It takes me to a painful place that I guess I would rather run away from. Yesterday I decided to check my mom's email. I do this every few months. I guess in some strange mental state I don't want her email to go away. I don't know why...call me crazy...it probably means I am not accepting what has happened but none the less I got into my wonderful mom's email. As I was going through her email and cleaning things up I went into her Sent Messages folder. There was an email entitled Sending my Love...I knew it was to me...I had seen it there before but had not been strong enough to open this email and read it. For some reason without thinking I clicked on it and opened it. I was talking to my sister Jenny on the phone at the time and she gave me some encouragement and said I could do it, I was strong. So I started reading....I want to share this incredible email with you. These few sentences straight from my mom to me have so much meaning on so many different levels. I know with all of my heart these words were coming from her right at that moment at a time I needed to hear them, straight from Heaven.
" Hi my baby girl,
I am going to go to bed now, but I wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you tonight and have asked Heavenly Father to be with you tonight to comfort you and wrap his arms around you as you sleep a beautiful peaceful sleep. He knows what you are feeling and He will be there for you now because He loves you so much and He knows you need Him. Your baby is waiting to come to you - it is hard to be patient-but while we wait we are that much more prepared and grateful when the time comes. It will be soon, I promise you. You are doing fine and everything is going to be alright. I am proud of you and the strong woman you are.
I am sending you my love tonight- I hope you can feel it.
Mom "
I cannot even look at these words without breaking into tears. I know with every fiber of my being she is talking to me from Heaven with these very words and telling me that everything is going to be alright. And I need to be patient because I will be with her again soon. Since the moment she left I have longed to hear her say those exact words to me. That I am doing fine and everything is going to be alright, and that she is proud of me. It penetrates my soul and I know in my very heart that she is speaking to me. That was the one email in her sent messages...but I never received it. Its incredible how we are helped through ways we could only dream of. I wish I could have more experiences like this. I wish I could see her. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her. But I am grateful for those experiences I am able to have and I will patiently wait for that day when I get to do all those things. Like she said as I wait I will be that much more prepared and grateful when the time comes. She has told me and so I will do it. My nephew Nicky the other day said "let's just go pick grandma Chris up in Heaven" so until that day when I can go pick you up in Heaven mom... I love you more than words can express!
14 comments:
Shannon! I am crying like a baby right now!!! Hi, I met you at Jason's reunion last weekend. You looked so cute in your yellow dress! I just wanted to say that i am so sorry that you lost your mom. From the blogs you have posted about her she sounds like such an amazing person. You are so lucky to know that she loved you and still loves you. I don't know why I am telling you this. Maybe it will help, or maybe the reason it happened is for me to share it with you. I don't know. Anyway, here goes, the other night I had a dream that I died. I saw my husband and my three kids mourning over my death. I felt so sad for them watching them cry with broken hearts. I just wanted to tell them that I was still there with them sitting right next to them. I kept telling them that everything would be okay and that I would be with them everyday. I had this overwhelming feeling that I knew I was where I was supposed to be and that even though I knew my family thought I was gone and they missed me terribly I couldn't understand that they were so sad but, I was still there with them. They were missing me but, I really wasn't gone. I remember thinking that I really wanted them to keep living everyday like I was still there. Because I was.....They just couldn't see me. But, I knew they could feel me there if they tried. For some reason I thought that they would be able to hear me talk to them while they were sleeping and in their dreams. In my dream I just kept having the thought "Oh i wish they could just be happy, I wish they knew I really am still here with them." I don't know why I had this dream. I just thought that I would share it with you. I hope you find the answers and comfort you are looking for.
Shannon, thanks for sharing that. What an amazing lady, I miss her too. Let's chat soon, it's been a while.
ADAM.
Oh Shanny, that was so sweet! I am glad you can have experiences like that too!
I'm glad you updated... it's fun to see your cute little family. Also, thanks for the call the other day.
Love you.
Shannon, I am so sorry for how you are still feeling. I can't even imagine how hard it is to lose someone so close to you. You are such a strong person and I know you will get through this. It makes me feel happy for you though to know that you have such a great mother to remember, a great example to look to as you are raising you own family and that you know she is still here for you supporting you and cheering you on. Be strong for her and remember her words to you in her email. It was not an accident that you didn't receive them until now when you needed them most.
I cry when ever I read stuff about your mom. I am so sorry this is still so hard for you, it's easy to see why, your mom was amazing and I can't imagine what losing someone like that would feel like. When you said you updated your blog you weren't kidding. Congrats on the new baby! You know sometimes these things are blessings and help fill a void of other things. My children have helped me focus on the positive things in my life and almost helped me be more independent and capable of handling bigger things, I am not sure if that makes sense. I think children have an amazing way of maybe distracting you is one way of putting it. (I mean take the yogurt incidence for example, just kidding). Well, I know you are a very strong person and that I wouldn't have lasted two seconds in your shoes. And this new addition will have come straight from your mom's arms to yours. Take care and always let us know if we can do anything for you.
Oh shannon I just read mom's letter of course I am balling my eyes out right now. It feels like it was meant for me too right now. She always called me her baby girl too. Oh I miss her.
One more thing I don't know Jaimie but what a great person you are to offer such kind words. The dream you had really does feel like some perspective from my mom it helps to think of what she might be thinking(I am shannons sister) Thanks for your words.
Your Welcome Tara! I hope the reason I had this dream was to help the two of you. Hang in there. By the way, I graduated with Jason.
Shanny, Well I am crying too! That is amazing. I know that you have experiences, dreams and feelings for a reason. I have had a lot of experiences (especially some very special dreams) help me get through things in my life. Your mom is amazing and I feel so lucky that I got to know her so well. I cherish all the times Ryan and I and even Brooklynn got to go and stay with her. It is true what Nanci said on another post, she always knew what to say and when to say it. I want you to know that several months ago I had a neat dream that your mom was in. At the time the dream really helped me and I thought it was just for me, but like Jamie said sometimes there are things that you can help others too. I hope you are at the reunion this weekend so we can talk. Congrats on the baby, I am very happy for you. Call me sometime.
Love,
Dani :)
Jamie,
Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your experience with me and my family. What a special person you are to reach out to us. Thank you for your inspiring words. I will remember them in times of need (which are many) :) I told Jason what an awesome person you are and how I wished you lived closer so we could hang out! Thanks again,
Shannon
Oh Shannon, your mom was a amazing, beautiful woman that is so dearly missed. Her words were meant for you to read now and they were so true and beautifully put, she always knew the right things to say and why should that stop now. Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience, uplifting us all. You are such a wonderful person and I am so happy for you and your growing family. Surprizes can be such blessings and remind of us of the wonderful people we love. We love you and wish you the best.
Love, Danielle and Eric
That was a wonderful post. I read it as soon as I was able to get on the computer. What a blessing from heaven to have that email at the exact moment you needed it. We are closer to the vail then we really know. I hope that this letter from your mom will help you get through the months ahead. I'm so excited for you to have another little one. If you need anything let me know!
I am so excited you found my blog ! I have thought about you often and wondered were you were living and how you were doing. When I heard of the passing of your mom I was so heartbrokem I could not believe it. This post was amazng I can relate with you. It so weird its been a year now and its just like memories of eveything just flood through your mind whenever you see certain things. Your mom was amazing she was the best dance teacher and person. Its so heartbreaking that things like this have to happen to such amazing people. Like you I am so grateful for the gospel and for knowledge that we know we will be with them again. I think it is so neat you make tutus and its under your moms name and logo. That is beautiful. It sounds like you are doing good with your little famly your little boy is so cute. Aren't boys fun and absolutley crazy. how old is he? I hope you the best I'm so excite to have contact with you again.
i was just been reading through your post and dicovered that your little carter and my Jordan are a day apart . How crazy is that. I as well have often thought is my dad missing my little guy and when he does funny thing that i know my dad would have loved to be here to see it all. But i know he is with my kids and watching over them My little girl has had a few experiences to confirm this to us. I am sure your mom is doing the same. I know they are happy were they are and they miss us but are needed and are very busy on the other side. Here is my e-mail address if you want to e-mail me sometime or if you need to chat or anything this is so great! c-jbebel@hotmail.com
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