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I have to admit this second year has been so much harder than the first. I don't understand why and if I knew it was going to be harder this year I don't know that I could have held on. I have not been able to bring myself to read or look at many things of or from my mom. It is just to hard I guess. It takes me to a painful place that I guess I would rather run away from. Yesterday I decided to check my mom's email. I do this every few months. I guess in some strange mental state I don't want her email to go away. I don't know why...call me crazy...it probably means I am not accepting what has happened but none the less I got into my wonderful mom's email. As I was going through her email and cleaning things up I went into her Sent Messages folder. There was an email entitled Sending my Love...I knew it was to me...I had seen it there before but had not been strong enough to open this email and read it. For some reason without thinking I clicked on it and opened it. I was talking to my sister Jenny on the phone at the time and she gave me some encouragement and said I could do it, I was strong. So I started reading....I want to share this incredible email with you. These few sentences straight from my mom to me have so much meaning on so many different levels. I know with all of my heart these words were coming from her right at that moment at a time I needed to hear them, straight from Heaven.
" Hi my baby girl,
I am going to go to bed now, but I wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you tonight and have asked Heavenly Father to be with you tonight to comfort you and wrap his arms around you as you sleep a beautiful peaceful sleep. He knows what you are feeling and He will be there for you now because He loves you so much and He knows you need Him. Your baby is waiting to come to you - it is hard to be patient-but while we wait we are that much more prepared and grateful when the time comes. It will be soon, I promise you. You are doing fine and everything is going to be alright. I am proud of you and the strong woman you are.
I am sending you my love tonight- I hope you can feel it.
Mom "
I cannot even look at these words without breaking into tears. I know with every fiber of my being she is talking to me from Heaven with these very words and telling me that everything is going to be alright. And I need to be patient because I will be with her again soon. Since the moment she left I have longed to hear her say those exact words to me. That I am doing fine and everything is going to be alright, and that she is proud of me. It penetrates my soul and I know in my very heart that she is speaking to me. That was the one email in her sent messages...but I never received it. Its incredible how we are helped through ways we could only dream of. I wish I could have more experiences like this. I wish I could see her. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her. But I am grateful for those experiences I am able to have and I will patiently wait for that day when I get to do all those things. Like she said as I wait I will be that much more prepared and grateful when the time comes. She has told me and so I will do it. My nephew Nicky the other day said "let's just go pick grandma Chris up in Heaven" so until that day when I can go pick you up in Heaven mom... I love you more than words can express!